I had a bump in the road yesterday and had a giant, poor-me pity party which made me question why I’m doing all this sobriety stuff. I won’t get into the details, but it’s about my 91 year old grandmother with dementia and some financial stuff that I’m handling. The guilt and fear and just the grief that she’s slowly slipping away from me…sometimes it’s just too much to bear. I listened to the voicemail from my grandmother’s caretaker about what’s happening, I went into my closet, shut the door and lost my shit. I imagined her being thrown out of her condo, forced into a nursing home, and worst of all, her being angry with me…I can’t bear the thought of her being angry with me. She’s the person who has always been in my corner. She was more of a mother to me than my own mother was. It’s just been so hard watching her decline.
I started beating myself up for not being there for her, 700 miles away, and for not taking care of things the way I should have. I also beat myself up for being such a weak idiot that I’m sitting on the floor in a closet like a child. I imagined all the worst things happening. I thought about drinking, heavily and hard, to numb this feeling of panic that was overtaking me.
I have a way of turning normal-sized problems into huge ones in my head. I’m a catastrophizer of the worst kind. I go to the worst, scariest places in my mind and I can’t seem to stop it from happening. At this point, all I can do is feel the wave of fear and dread pummel me, and then pull myself onto the shore to try to put things in perspective. My wonderful partner knows this about me, and she helped talk me down off the ledge. I make things so much worse in my head than they really are. I wish I could stop doing that.
When I was in the throes of my pity party/freak out in my closet, I did think about drinking, and then I thought, “That isn’t going to make it better.” I know drinking to numb this temporary fear will only make me feel worse. I felt the feelings, as unpleasant as they were, and I knew that I wasn’t going to drink. Today is day 188.