I’ve been struggling.  I feel like I’m pushing everyone away.  My grandmother is the one person in this world who has always loved me.  She’s the one person whose love I never doubted, and she’s slipping away from me, a little bit every day from dementia.  I was just home to see her two weeks ago, and I’ve felt the walls closing in around me ever since I’ve been back.  I’ve fought it back up until a couple of days ago, but now the pain is overwhelming.  I cried yesterday.  The ugly, snotty, puffy eyes kind of crying that usually makes me feel better.  What is going to happen when my grandma is gone?  I feel like I’m going to die right along with her.  The vacuum left will suck me into the deepest hole. I’m afraid.  I’m afraid I can’t deal with it.  I can’t function right now, I am so sad and just…empty.  I don’t want to move or talk, I just want to curl up and disappear.  I just want this horrible feeling to go away.

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2 Responses to

  1. ainsobriety says:

    Can you go see your doctor? My personal experience with depression, and feelings like you are describing, is that they don’t pass easily. Sometimes we need medication, vitamins, light therapy, etc. And voicing these feelings helps too.
    I’m so sorry about your grandmother.
    Take care of yourself. I’m sure she would want that.


  2. Pamela says:

    Very good advice from above…see your doctor and medication can help. I have taken antidepressants for various periods in my life and have felt much better from them. Don’t judge yourself or think you should be able to handle this all on your own because you know that can lead to drinking…please don’t throw away your sobriety…don’t wait until it is too late!


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