Relief, guilt and shame

I’ve been at home for 3 days since my grandma’s funeral.  The tears have dried up, and I spent yesterday working on cleaning up our back patio, and then we went to a movie last night, which I thoroughly enjoyed.  I have to say I feel guilty for going back to my life and enjoying a movie so soon after I lost someone so important to me.  If I really sit and obsess and brood about it,  I could probably cry and cry some more, but I don’t want to cry anymore.   I feel guilty because I feel relieved.  Relieved that I don’t have to feel sad about her declining in the nursing home anymore.  I’m relived that she’s no longer in pain, no longer confused and scared, trapped in a reality that grew more confusing by the day.  That all the paperwork and worrying is over.  I feel guilty for being glad it’s all over.

I tell myself I should feel proud for being so strong and that I got through this so well, in large part because I wasn’t drinking.  But all I can hear is my dead mother’s voice in my head telling me how selfish I am.  That I should be ashamed for going back to my life and moving on so soon. It’s such an odd impulse, to feel like I should self-flagellate because I feel too good for the circumstances.  Isn’t this why I gave up drinking to begin with?  To feel better?

I feel that familiar itch to throw myself into something challenging.  Like really physically challenging, so I can feel something other than this confusing relief/guilt vortex swirling around in my brain.  I want to turn warrior, to put on face paint and become primal. Sweating, pushing,  feeling my lungs burning.

Today is day 686.

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One Response to Relief, guilt and shame

  1. angie says:

    What you are feeling is normal, You will feel guilty for doing day to day things, but the saying ‘life goes on’ is so true, There is no right or wrong way to grieve, Just take good care of yourself. And that means not drinking. Stay strong and don’t drink and you will be okay, I’m sorry you are feeling like this. You must miss your grandmother terribly. I’m thinking of you and sending you a big hug. A x

    Like

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